Dave’s Makes Adjustable Heat Hot Sauce, 11 Levels of Mudbutt

Dave’s Insanity Sauce ranks third in my all-time-top-five least delectable food moments, right behind fuzzy cheese and my own vomit. (Ed. note — Harsh! And a little gross) This innocuous looking hot sauce is not — NOT — to be confused with similarly cheesy bottles. This isn’t some novelty pico you buy at Phoenix International for grandma’s souvenir. It is easily the most molten substance I have ever laid tongue to*, and this from a guy who tends to brutally slather all manners of sriracha, pico, Tabasco, ichimi togarashi, chili paste, what have you, on just about everyting. I was cynical to the “insanity,” and soon, I would know the cruel hand of Dave.

One fork tine into the sauce for a taste and my mouth is instantly flooded with a searing hot ambrosia akin to eating lit charcoal, but with less flavor. There’s no temperature curve. The good times last for about 3 minutes before I steal my niece’s milk. Amazingly, I’m stupid enough to try it again. You know, in case the first time was fluke, or in case the sauce cooled off somehow.

Now Dave’s introduces Adjustable Heat Sauce. Turn the dial from mild to spicy. Call me with how it is.

*note that we didn’t go there