Haay!  It’s Two Free Tacos day at Jack in the Box, y’all!  Bring in any gas receipt and get two sort-of-beef tacos.  Great deal, right? Perhaps.

Two Jack in the Box tacos go for 99¢, or $1.08 with tax in Oakland.  Our highly efficient Honda Civic gets 38 mpg.  Our closest Jack in the Box is 3.1 miles away, making the round trip for “free” tacos cost us 74¢ in gas.

Net savings: 34¢. Eh.

If we drove an average American passenger car getting 22.4 mpg, the same tacos would cost us  $1.27 in gas.

Net loss: 19¢.

How about walking then?  Say the average Bay Area worker makes $20/hour (I know, I know…I said average, bitches!).  Your closest Jack in the Box is 5 minutes away.  Total round trip plus waiting for your order is — carry the one…– 15 minutes.  Net lost wages:  $5.00.

Net loss:   $3.92.  Oh hells no!

While we’re on the subject of losing, Chick-fil-A is giving away free combo meals on July 11, 2008, if you dress up like a cow. F— the iPhone, I’m there!  On second thought, our closest Chick-fil-A is at Oakland International, so maybe not.

Leaving unsatisfied is no way to end a meal. (Or lovemaking session…or flea market troll…or…) Like realizing, once it’s your turn to be served, the $3.95 Vietnamese sandwich you were already eating in your head is sold out, and so is the brown rice futomaki acceptable substitute. Time’s short, muthafucka! Maybe in the basket…the “rainbow” roll. Anemically thin, topped with limp, yet still appealing, unagi and avocado. Luckily “limp” means “probably ripe and tasty” in this arena. Maybe I should ask her how much it is. Nah, can’t be that much. Futomaki’s only $4…and this is way smaller. $6.45?? $7.05 with tax?? Good lord! I pay. I eat. I pick at wasabi and ginger in between bites to extend our time together. By roll’s end, it’s a one-way conversation; a painful hard-on while your partner’s already dreaming. Leaving unsatisfied is no way to end a meal.

My stomach said “not hungry” but my heart said “sweet” (a rarity). $3.40 later I’m tucking into a still-warm but super-saccharine oatmeal raisin, and sipping pilfered, surprisingly cold coffee. (As I’m wan to do, paying for the small, taking the medium) I’m still confused when, if ever, Specialty’s will make a semi-sweet with nuts. And I remember, what the fuck am I doing? I don’t even like this place.

My lunch hooker’s left me soggy and only semi-turgid, more for the anticipation than anything else. $11.00. I paid the price.