Words escape me. It’s a fucking claw game to catch lobsters. Aside from the usual WTF and Oh No You Didn’t, allow me to highlight some of its many features:

“People enjoy seeing these amazing creatures living in this healthy environment and love trying to catch their very own lobsters.”

They do?? It is?? First off, I’d like to meet these people who enjoy seeing lobsters poked and prodded and stabbed in their last few hours on Earth, much less be a willing participant. I’m no PETA lover, but allowing creatures to suffer intentionally for entertainment is about as wrong as wrong gets. Second, it’s not healthy. Look at that hooch in the picture. She’s wearing a camisole from ‘98!

“Buy a Claw Game Today For $15,950…the King of the Revenue Stream!… Net up to $10,000 a year!”

So for the price of a small car (!), you can not only make profit but go straight to Hell. Please sign me up!

“Bars…see in an increase in revenue as entertained patrons order beverages and enjoy the fun.”

Let’s agree, as a civilized society, that alcohol and animal games don’t mix. Lobster claw…rodeo…hamsters…what have you.

Apparently there’s similar machines in Asia and California . Like Oakland?? Fuck no!

Look like a creepy asshole for just $29!

[Firebox via NOTCOT via Gizmodo]

Whole Foods set a world record for cheese-cracking April 12th (little late, I know). They attempted to simultaneously slice open huge wheels of Parmigiano-Reggiano at 270 of its retail stores. I’m not sure who held the previous record, but they must be devastated. Makes me think what made-up records we could break!

• Tallest Kim Jong-Il butter sculpture!
• Simultaneous udder-squeezing in all 10 time zones!
• Most grains of rice in my pants!